


Firsts Among Equals

by jdjunkie



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M, Season five fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-03
Updated: 2012-01-03
Packaged: 2017-10-28 19:57:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/311619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdjunkie/pseuds/jdjunkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And today's subject is: First times. Discuss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Firsts Among Equals

**Author's Note:**

> This was an early fic of mine, recently unearthed in the Fic Mines. It has PoV issues, which I could have tinkered with but haven't because, well, we all learn as we go, right?

“First time you kissed a girl …”

“That would be Mary-Elizabeth Christiensen. Blond hair, blue eyes, legs that went on forever and a giant bag of jelly beans. Nice, closed mouth kiss behind her dad’s big truck on her family’s farm.”

“Sounds a little Cider with Rosie.”

“Kind of spoiled the moment when I went for the whole tongues thing, like I’d seen on TV. She used those unbelievable legs to hightail it indoors faster than a cheetah after an antelope.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Oh yeah. Even more of a shame that she took the jelly beans with her.”

Daniel smiled as he stretched languorously, pressing himself into the mattress, feeling a delicious warmth fueled by an afternoon in bed with Jack and shared confidences. Both of these things were new to him and he decided he rather liked them.

“Now you.” Jack turned on to his side, facing Daniel, pulling the sheets into some sort of order around his legs. God but they’d made a mess of them.

“Erm, Daisy Withers.”

Jack spluttered. “Who? Sounds like a horticultural disease.”

Daniel looked suitably affronted.

“Daisy Withers. She was sort of odd. Dark hair, slightly buck teeth. Dressed like her mom. Year below me but I used to see her in the school library a lot. She liked poetry. I liked history. I caught her smiling at me over the Yeats.”

“So, what? You smiled back, offered to carry her books home, yadda.”

Daniel quirked a small smile. “Um, actually, I think I blushed, dropped my specially-requisitioned Charles Homer Haskins and then knocked my chair over in my hurry to get out of there.”

“Always had the Casanova gene, then, huh?”

“Yeah.” Daniel laughed and arranged the pillow more comfortably. “Two days later, she cornered me in a chemistry lab, told me she thought I was cute and planted one right on the lips. I think I was too shocked to respond. A week later I saw her necking with Peter Mordelli.”

“How old were you?”

“Nine.”

“Sounds like she was a little advanced for her age.”

“Either that or I was nowhere near advanced enough. Never caught her smiling at me again.” Daniel found himself smiling again. He’d been doing that a lot in the past two weeks. It didn’t take a genius with multiple PhDs to figure out why. The answer was currently chuckling warmly and propping himself on an elbow.

“First time you slept with a girl,” Daniel rapped out.

Jack pursed his lips together and affected a thinking pose. “God, so long ago … so many women.”

“Oh, please. Everyone remembers their first time.”

“Janey Whitlow. I was 16, she was 17. Her parents had gone away for the weekend and we got drunk on a half bottle of vodka left over from Christmas. Told me she wanted to go ‘all the way’ before she hit 18.  Naturally, I didn’t want to let the lady down.”

“Naturally.”

“I’d love to be able to say it was hot and I was fabulous. Truth is, it took me three drunken, fumbling attempts to get the damn condom on, I got half way in and came on the spot.”

“Ouch,” Daniel laughed, allowing himself to delight in this wonderful connection. It felt so unaccustomed and so good.

“Years later I discovered she’d gone on to be a relationship counselor and sex therapist working in New York. I always kind of wondered if that first, disastrous coupling had anything to do with that.” Jack smiled and wondered at the way he was running off at the mouth, here. It was entirely possible Daniel had learned more about him in the past ten minutes than in the last five years.

Maybe that’s what loving Daniel did to you; punched tiny but ever-expanding cracks in your armor; dug out words and feelings long buried by loss and hurt and fear. It felt like stepping out of a cold cellar into warm, embracing sunshine. It felt right.

“You?”

“Carly Weston-Bruckheimer. I was 15, she was 21.”

“Daniel, you dog!” He tried not to, but Jack knew he looked impressed.

“She was the friend of one of my older foster sisters. I guess I kind of knew she was interested. She used to hang around the house after Sally had gone to band practice, asking if she could help with homework, that kind of thing. Said she was into Greek philosophers. I was way ahead of her academically. About to go to college. She didn’t know her Heraclitus from her Socrates …”

“Really? How awful for you.”

Daniel reached across and dug Jack in the ribs.

“Not that it mattered. One day we sat reading and she put her hand on my thigh and started rubbing. Magically, and not unsurprisingly, I was hard as a rock. She pushed me down on the sofa and before I knew it she was riding me like something out of _Bonanza_ and I came pretty quickly.” Daniel allowed himself a small grin. “I loved every second. Second being the operative word, I guess. I remember being kind of shocked that she hadn’t come at the same time. I thought that was, you know, how it worked. But she kept at it, I got cramp in my right leg and she made so much noise when she came she frightened the cat. She got up, straightened her clothes and left without a word. Don’t recall seeing her about the house much after that. Can’t have been too impressive.”

Jack smiled. Again. Jeeze, it was becoming a habit. “You hungry?”

Daniel looked thoughtful. “Actually, I’m starved.”

“Great. I’ll make dinner.” Jack started to move and Daniel shot out a hand, catching his arm.

“No, don’t go…. I, er, I don’t want you to leave. This bed, I mean. I’m kind of, sort of, liking this.” Daniel ran a warm hand gently up Jack’s arm.

“Yeah. Me too. I can stay. I mean, who needs food, huh?”

A silence fell, notable for its lack of awkwardness. It was a natural pause; a moment for each man to hug all this warmth to himself. No need to rush to speak.

Jack’s hand covered Daniel’s as it continued to stroke slowly up and down Jack’s arm.

“I love this,” Daniel said quietly. “Being able to touch. Finally. Always wanted to. I always liked you touching me, too. Even when it meant no more than ‘Get your ass in gear, Jackson.’ I liked it.”

Jack shucked further down, tugging Daniel with him.

“You were always easy to touch, mainly because you never reached out yourself. The ones who don’t reach out are the ones who need it the most.”

Daniel reached out now, with his forefinger, and ran it down the center of Jack’s chest, brushing the dog tags. The metal burned and he jerked his hand away. Tacit, unwelcome reminder.

Jack caught his hand before he could withdraw it completely. “Nothing to be afraid of there, Daniel. Just another part of me.”

“Yes. The part that means we can’t have this.”

“We’ve had this for years. We just didn’t add the nice sex until two weeks ago. Do you seriously think this compromises me, us, anymore than we have been compromised since I first walked into that briefing room in Cheyenne Mountain and you were handing out star charts?”

Daniel appeared to give this serious consideration. “I have no idea. I don’t think I’m thinking straight at the moment.”

Jack grinned, glad of the chance to steer the conversation away from deep, unchartered waters. “Pun intended?”

“Erm, no, pun very definitely not intended.”

They fell quiet again.

“First time you jerked off somewhere you shouldn’t.”

“Jeeze, Daniel, are you trying for off-the-scale with the embarrassment factor, here?”

“Nope. Just want to learn more about you.” Daniel’s left hand landed gently on top of Jack’s where it lay between them on the bed. As if of their own volition, their fingers twined themselves. “Actually, I want to know everything,” he said softly.

Jack looked a little wistful. “No-one can know everything.”

“Maybe not. But I’ve always enjoyed the learning process. I get an amazing, hard-to-describe thrill from the gaining of knowledge.”

Jack tilted his head and rocked their joined hand gently back and forth on the bed linen, then stopped abruptly as Daniel winced.

“Sorry. Forgot. Does it still hurt?”

“No,” Daniel lied, knowing that Jack knew he was lying.

“Shouldn’t you still have it bandaged or something?”

“Took it off when I had a shower last night. Didn’t bother to put it back on.”

“Fraiser will have your hide.”

“Not if no-one tells her.” Daniel looked at him pointedly. Jack looked a little pissed but he guessed he owed him that much.

Jack hauled the conversation back to where he wanted it to be. “You saying you get off on it? The whole The Universe is my Classroom thing?”

“It would appear that I am. I do.”  
Jack smiled. “Well, all right! It was in the locker room at high school. I’d been running laps after class and the football team had just finished squad training. There was one guy, can’t remember his name, but he was built. Six two plus, tan, lean and a butt that wouldn’t quit. Watched him change out of the corner of my eye. They were jocks, joshing around, smacking each other with towels. Then they headed for the showers and I got a real eyeful of him. Went from limp to diamond-cutter hard in three seconds flat. I was so turned on I could hardly think. Panicked, too. Ran for the john, bolted the door and jerked myself off in record time. Think that was when I discovered the joys of having to keep it quiet. Turn on upon turn on.” Jack eyed Daniel with a glint in his eye. “Enough information there for you? Getting off on the newly-acquired knowledge?”

Daniel grinned.

“Your turn.”

“Er, never have, really. Not … jerking off, I mean. There’s plenty of that in my history. Just, nowhere I shouldn’t.”

Jack became aware that his thumb was stroking softly over their entwined fingers. He wondered if he was subconsciously trying to make the injury go away. “Then we’ll have to see what we can do about this gap in your education, Dr Jackson. Storage rooms, armories, Hammond’s office, the Gateroom.”

Daniel laughed. “Any and all of which are not going to happen in this or any other universe.”

“We’ll see. The world is our lobster. And now, I think, it’s my turn to ask.”

Daniel winced, and this time not at the pain in his wrist. Jack ignored.

“First time with a guy.”

Daniel bit his lower lip and nodded slightly. “That dinner you mentioned  … is that still on the table, so to speak?”

Jack frowned as Daniel released his hand carefully and levered himself on to his back, pulling the sheet up to his chest. Jack had the feeling the covering up was more than a little symbolic and wondered if it was a question too far.

“Sure, no problem. With the food I mean. I’m … guessing maybe there is another problem here, though.” He scooched a little closer, tilted his head and asked the question with his raised eyebrows.

Daniel did that pursing thing with his lips. “Do we have to do this now? Can we not, you know, eat first?” 

“Like I said … no problem. On the food front. Daniel …” Jack reached out and palmed the side of Daniel’s neck. “Answering is not compulsory.” Daniel drank in the touch. He hadn’t realised how necessary it was to him. There was the air that you breathe, and then there was Jack’s touch …

“No, it’s okay,” he huffed out a breath. “He was a friend. We’d known each other a while. I’d loved him for a long time.” The corner of his mouth turned up.

“A guy at college?”

“Work, actually. Sort of a mentor, to begin with. He helped me through some stuff. Bad stuff.”

Jack nodded slightly. “It, he, sounds … nice.”

“It was. He was. I couldn’t have made it without him.”

“You were close?”

“For a long time.”

“But it was a long time before you got together?”

“Ye-ah.  There were issues. Problems. We drifted. We pushed and pulled at each other. Stopped talking. He stopped touching. Never stopped caring, though. I don’t think either of us stopped caring.” He sounded distant, this was difficult.

“So … how did you finally get together?”

Daniel’s smile was a little weary. “He did something I disagreed with, I cried, called him a son of a bitch. Turned up on his doorstep that night and we argued some more, got drunk. He cried and we ended up covered in tears and sweat and come on his kitchen floor.”

Daniel turned and faced Jack, tilted his chin at an effort at defiance, which was betrayed by the anxiety in his eyes.

Daniel had never really believed it was possible for someone’s face to go that pale and that person still remain conscious and upright.

Conscious, upright and devastated.

“Christ.” The word was pushed out of him. Daniel couldn’t read Jack’s face; it seemed a world of emotion had crossed his features in fleeting seconds.

Daniel took a sudden interest in the weave of the Egyptian cotton sheet. Good quality. The best.

Jack’s hand stilled its soothing work on Daniel’s neck and shoulder. “I was your first?” He sounded … bewildered. “Fuck, Daniel.”

“Exactly. That’s what I wanted.”

“That’s what you got! Jesus. I was so sure you’d … why didn’t you say something?”

“Like what?”  Daniel raised his knees and wrapped his arms round them, dislodging Jack’s hand in the process.

“I don’t know. I would have done anything you asked. Fuck, I would have been happy doing nothing at all. Just being with you. Kissing, not kissing. Holding. This isn’t all about me, Daniel.”

Daniel felt matching exasperation creep into his voice. “I know that. I wanted it every bit as much as you, Jack. Maybe more. It was fine. It was better than fine. It was … everything I’d wanted. Everything I’d fantasized about when I was indulging in some of that jerking off in my history I believe I mentioned earlier.”

Daniel risked a sideways look at Jack, whose face now bore that patented half irritated, half indulgent expression he was so familiar with.

“You know, for a linguist, you’re damn good at omitting words.”

“Jack, please. Do I really have to spell this out? I wanted it. I wasn’t afraid. You didn’t hurt me.”

“But I could have.”

“You didn’t.  I’m not that nine-year-old running away from his first kiss. Damn it, this was supposed to be a game. A light-hearted, getting-to-know-you thing.” Daniel ran his hands through his hair. “Trust us to fuck up the fun.”

This time the silence was heavy

“Why? Why did you want us to do … that … when we could have done so many other things? Things that wouldn’t have guilt-tripped me to the max when I found out that not only was your ass finally mine but it had only ever been mine.”

“Because I wanted you to know that things were all right between us. That I wanted that, welcomed it.” Daniel shifted until his whole body was facing Jack.

“Finally, things were right. That it was worth going through all that shit. All that disconnection, distance, the verbal hurting, the estrangement. It was worth it because it led us here, to this.” Daniel let his head drop to rest on his knees. “Even though this is something I know we can’t have. I know the risk we’re taking, here. But God, I want this.”

Jack shook his head. “I would rather have known,” he said softly.

“And I wanted you to know that, yes, you were a son of a bitch. That you didn’t need to shoot her. Just like you didn’t need to tell me to shut up that time and that I didn’t care that you often had the urge to shove me through a wall.  None of that mattered. Because I love you and I always have. And now that we have this, I don’t give a fuck about any of the rest of it. And you shouldn’t either.” Daniel let out a huge, shuddering sigh. “And now, I really am hungry. I’m gonna go raid the fridge.” He hunched across the bed and swung his feet to the floor, his shoulders radiating tension.

Jack sighed and let him go. He watched as Daniel pulled on jeans and sweatshirt and headed for the kitchen. He let him be for a while, mentally replaying the conversation in his head, sorting through the words to get to the meanings. Eventually, he gave up and padded off in search of.

Daniel was putting together a sandwich of heroic proportions. Jack came up behind and his arms encircled his waist. He tucked his head into Daniel’s neck.

“Okay. This is how it is. I’ll find a way to make this happen for us. I love you, Daniel, but you gotta know that I can’t just let all the crap that went before go. That was my fault for the most part and I’ll find a way to deal with it. And I still wish you’d told me it was your first time, whatever your rationale was.”

Daniel layered on some pastrami and reached for the sliced tomatoes.

Jack squeezed his waist a little. “Hey, chef … you listening to me?”

“I hear you.” Daniel snuck some stray tomato into his mouth while reaching for the mayo. Jack leaned with him.

“You bringing that back to bed?” Jack asked nodding in the sandwich’s general direction.

“Ah, no. I really, really don’t want to leave that bed but I have a report to write and I’ve been putting it off long enough.”

Jack turned Daniel in the circle of his arms and chased his gaze until he got a lock.  “I promise. We’ll find a way to make this happen for us, Daniel. Whatever it takes.” He reached up and took Daniel’s face in his hand.

Daniel turned his face into the warmth and tried to let it all go. He closed his eyes and offered up a deep, gentling kiss that was returned in kind.

“I’m gonna shower,” Jack said, kissing him again before heading for the bathroom.

Daniel picked up his plate and took it into the living room, where his laptop sat on the coffee table.

He took a mouthful of food and powered up the computer. He listened to the noises off as Jack turned on the shower, used the toilet and finally closed the bathroom door. Everyday sounds that he desperately wanted to hear every day for as long as they had.

“I got another one, Jack,” he said in a low voice. “First time you felt maybe, maybe, it could all be there for the asking.” He started typing … “4C3 appears to be inhabited by populations in three major countries. Initial recon has revealed no signs of Goa’uld occupation or recent activity. It appears to present no immediate or obvious dangers …”

 

 

END


End file.
